SPORTSMEN JOKES
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Last weekend, I went for a walk on an
old trail in the woods behind my grandparents farm. It was always
one of my favorite quiet spots, and ran by a large pond; really quite a
serene place to be alone and collect your thoughts. As I walked,
I listened to the occasional fish splash in the water, the birds chirping
overhead, squirrels running around in the fallen leaves. I needed
the relaxation and the time to collect my thoughts:
That's when I noticed something that seemed to put much of life in perspective. I noticed a chipmunk sitting on top of a tree stump that sat about halfway in the water, eating an acorn. Suddenly, the biggest fish I'd ever seen came up out of the water and ate the chipmunk. My grandfather and I had seen this happen before, so I really didn't think anything of it.... until I saw the fish come back up and put another acorn on top of the stump. A man was touring a computer room. The technician says to him I've just created computer that knows everything. Ask it any question and it will give you the right answer'. The man types in "where is my father?." The computer's lights start to flash. Bells and whistles go off and out pops a card that reads 'Your father is fishing in Michigan'. Man said 'that's wrong! My father died 10 years ago'. The technician is puzzled. He makes a few adjustments and says ask the question again but stated differently. So the man types in "Where is my mother's husband?" Again the lights flash, the bells and whistles go off. And out pops a card that reads 'Your mother's husband has been dead for 10 years. Your father just caught a 5 lb bass! A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there with dark shades on. She says, ''Excuse me, sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'' He says, ''Ma'am, I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.'' She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, ''That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20.00.'' She says, ''That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it.'' He walks behind the counter to the register. Just then, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her—being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, ''That will be $25.50.'' She says, ''But didn't you say it was $20.00?'' He says, ''Yes, ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.'' A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing." What are the most common last words heard from a redneck? "HEY GUYS! WATCH THIS!" This (pollock, , redneck, blonde -pick one) decides he's gonna try some ice fishing, so he heads to the closest ice he can find. He cuts a hole, sets up a little folding stool and gets all his tackle out when he hears a voice. "There are no fish there!" the load booming disembodied voice says. After looking around & finding no one, the guy gets up and moves, and just as soon as he's getting ready to wet his line it happens again. "There are no fish there!" Again the man sees no one, so he moves to yet another spot. This time he doesn't even get the hole cut through the ice. "There are no fish there either!!" The man, looking puzzled, looks up while scratching his head and asks "God? Is that you?" "No!" the voice booms "This is the ice rink manager, there are no fish here!" A man pulls into town with a truckload of fish. Game warden sees him and ask how he caught them? Come on I'll show you. The guy gets in the boat with the warden and proceeds to the middle of the lake. The warden ask how do you catch fish with no pole? The man opens box pulls out a stick of dynamite and lights it. The warden says "Hey that's illegal I'm going to have to arrest you." The man hands the warden the sizzling dynamite and says you going to talk or fish. Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? A: Beer nuts are $2.50 a bag and deer nuts are under a buck. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. A conservation agent sees a guy carrying a limit of squirrels out of the woods, and notices that the guy doesn't have a gun. The agent approaches the man and asks him how he managed to kill all of those squirrels without a weapon. "You probably won't believe this", said the man "but I just give 'em a dirty look and they fall right out of the tree." He was right, the agent didn't believe his story and ordered the man to show him. Soon after the two men entered the woods the agent spotted a squirrel. "Watch this," said the man, and shot the ugliest look the agent had ever seen up toward the squirrel, and sure enough, it fell dead at their feet. "That's amazing" the agent marveled "how did you learn to do that?!" "My dad taught me, and there's only one other person alive that has this talent... my wife." "Well, why isn't she out here with you today?" asked the agent. "Well, I would take her more often," said the man "But she tears 'em up so bad!" This guy comes in from hunting and tells his wife, "I am giving up hunting. I am never going into the woods again. It was not too bad when that guy shot just over my head, I just went and stood on the other side of the tree. It was not too bad when that dog came by and peed on my boots, because I had waterproofed them. But, when those two squirrels ran up my leg and said they were going to eat one here and take one home I decided it was time to get out of the woods. A muskie walks into a bar; bartender asks "Why the long face?" Guy walks into a bait shop wearing his fishing vest and hat and starts looking around the shop. The owner watches and waits. The guy asks no questions, just keeps looking over all the tackle on the racks. The owner is getting a little impatient thinking this guy is a little strange. He notices the guy is grinding his teeth and scratching his butt the whole time he is shopping. Finally, the guy makes his way toward the checkout counter but he still has nothing in his hands to purchase. The shop owner is getting even more impatient but he wants to be nice to this potential customer and asks, "Going fishing?" Guy says, "Yep." Store owner says, "Got worms?" Guy says, "Yep, but I'm going anyway." A missourian and a texan are driving down one of our beautiful backroads when they spot a rabbit hopping across the road. The Texan had never been to Missouri so, he asks,"what was that?". The Missourian replies, "that's a rabbit". The Texan says, "we got 'em alot bigger where I come from!". They drive alittle further and they see a nice 10 point buck. Again the Texan asks, "what was that?" The Missourian says, "That's a deer". The Texan says "Man, we got'em twice as big where I come from!" The Missourian was now starting to get a bit ticked at his buddys' comments, but did'nt say anything. He just kept driving. They went a bit further down the road when they passed the biggest snapping turtle you can ever imaging. Big claws, Huge head, the thing had to weigh at least 120 pounds! The texan, suprised at what they had just seen, asks "WHAT WAS THAT !?!?" The Missourian, kind of proud of the specimen, but sick and tired of his friends smart remarks replied "THAT was a TICK!" |